i was scared, mostly of the anesthesia. it seems execessive that they needed to put me all the way under when they weren't even cutting me open. anesthesia is so strange. i laid there, prepped and cleaned, lightened a bit by what one of the anesthesiologists called "'happy to be here' meds." they told me they were going to take me to the operating room; i closed my eyes, opened them, then there was a man standing next to me who told me "you're all done." i really wanted to talk to him about how dumbo was the best and most underrated disney movie, about how they intentionally or unintentionally snuck a racism allegory into it; about how i read on the internet years ago that african elephants have bigger ears than indian elephants so the whole thing was that he was an african elephant.
they brought n back. she had a banana and an energy drink for me. swallowing was a gritty ordeal. my mouth was really dry and raw, i guess from having the tube down my throat. i had a huge pad and they gave me some gauzy panties to hold it in place, but nothing much escaped.
my gyno mentioned that she tries to be more gentle on the cervix with patients who plan to be pregnant someday, but i said "no, tear it up." after, she told n she was confident that she got all the abnormal tissue. it was 2-3ish when they finished. i slept till 7 when we got back to n's and woke up feeling fine. they have these patches now they put on your neck to mitigate the effects of anesthesia. when i had my wisdom teeth out 10+ years ago, i was loopy for the rest of the day, drifitng in and out of sleep and remembering over and over that i was already done with surgery.
the next day we went to a cat adoption event because s is ready for a new baby after the recent passing of his two darlings.
i laugh to myself whenever i think about the fact that i haven't heard from c during any of this. i don't think we've spoken at all since the succession finale. it still astonishes me how someone can be so uninterested in someone they claim to want to date. my therapist said i should have a conversation with him about the whole speaking-over-and-ignoring-me thing, but i can't bring myself to do it. i'm willing to communicate my needs, i'm not willing to repeatedly tell someone "i need you to seem even vaguely interested in what i have to say even in a crowd of people." the most insecure part of me tells me he was just hoping to get closer to n. and i know the most insecure part of me isn't the part i should listen to, but it feels safer to me to just let this fizzle out. i never would have thought i'd end up feeling this way again when he was the one who pursued me.
my pupils were dilated and different sizes on saturday night. i've been a bit concerned about that. there is shockingly little information—whether it was given to me after the procedure or online someone—about it. my gyno office was empty sunday (i don't know why she says to me "just call me") and the er couldn't tell me anything on the phone and i wasn't about to rack up $700-800 on a potentially pointless er visit. so i'm just going to assume it's fine unless they say otherwise in my mychart messages.
my oldest nephew is about the age i was when i started writing online diaries, making character shrines and vanity domains. i couldn't help but think at first that it was narcissistic of me to like him more for that. because i certainly don't like who i was at that age. he's far cooler than i ever was at that age. transgender, with a name he gave himself, a recently pierced septum, and buzzed hair dyed cyan. i could have used a friend like him. i guess i could have used an aunt like me, too, although i worry that they'll harbor some of the resentment i did as a i got older and wished more of the adults around me had recognized my mom's neglect and done something about it.
i took them on vacation last month; it was a blast. we rode roller coasters, played in arcades, i watched them drive go-karts and argue about who was at fault in their mid-race collision, stayed out till midnight seeing spiderman and transformers. they have fully formed personalities and they crack me up. it's wild.